My annual trials and tribulations playing fantasy football got me thinking how similar they can be to one’s sex life. If you’re easily offended this is the bit in the movie your Mum would fast forward past:
Foreplay
The summer fantasy footy rebuild involves your drooling over all the possibilities. You allow yourself mentally to dabble with positions you’ve never tried or take a look (just a look might I add) at those you’ve always fancied but never had the courage to really give a go…
I’m obviously talking about Henrikh Mkhitayran… obviously….
Threesomes
Part of the fantasising always involves a bit of daydreaming about getting three in the bed. Salah, Mane and Firmino? Kane, Alli and Eriksen?
Like most threesomes though they look good in theory but you are always ending up spreading yourself too thin and getting unexpected injuries.
Decision-Decision making
So I’ve learnt that decision-making in the bedroom and fantasy football have things in common too.
How many times have you thought I’ll try something new and go against the norm, ending up getting upset and into all sorts trouble full of regret? You know what I’m talking about! Dropping Lukaku for Jesus as captain for gameweek one. Clearly.
Coming too quickly
My other problem is prematurity. There I go again getting all excited and blow off too early playing my wildcard in week 2. All that summer foreplay explodes in one shot, not only coming as a surprise to me but everyone around me, who thought surely this time he can hold it together?
And why after you’ve played your early wildcard do you just feel unsatisfied and rather dirty? You wish you just had a cold shower, slept on it for a bit and talked it over with a friend before diving in.
Oh well there’s always the wait the day after New Year’s…
Stamina
Come on now I know it happens to a lot of you. Don’t be ashamed. Many of us go full pelt into it but then our interest wanes halfway, we get distracted and then just can’t keep it up. We really should be monitoring the performance, tending to injuries and suspensions but sometimes what seemed like a fun thing in the beginning just peters out into a bit of a sticky mess.
When it goes to plan
Given everything I’ve said before, I always like to try to end on a happy note.
Fantasy football, when everything seems to work out as you planned, is the ultimate climax.
Your triple captain scores a hat-trick in a double week, the player others dropped you kept faith in scores and assists, the last minute keeper change saves a penalty and your opponent’s star man gets sent off.
You’re left with a warm glowing feeling, with a big wide smile that lasts the weekend and you can sleep easy at night again. The next day you just can’t stop bragging to your mates.
Keep it up people… Sometimes your fantasies can come true.
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